When the renowned novelist, William James, was asked what a person ought to do with one’s life, how to live it, he answered, “Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind”.
Jesus Christ, in his teachings, echoed what many previous philosophers taught: Live your life according to the Golden Rule (treat others the way you want to be treated).
My own children do go to Sunday school but I am reminded of a wise saying I once read, “The only religion you’ll need in life is the Golden Rule”. That is so true. Whatever one thinks about religion, kindness has to be the ultimate test.
This, unfortunately, is easier said than done. As a parent of four busy kids (all younger than age 10), I am often asking myself, “what options do I have for teaching these rascals to be more kind?” I use the word “rascals” for a reason. At times my 6-year-old son is tough on his 3-year-old brother; and, just when I wonder if it’s normal for boys to battle that fiercely, my 9-year-old daughter is mean to both her brothers. The only one who escapes those unkind moments is the 1-year-old baby; which is, in all likelihood, only temporary.
However, it raises some interesting questions. Do my older children follow their innate ability to be kind because their littlest brother is so young? Do they respect his fragile age? Are children born evil or do they learn those behaviors as they grow older and become socialized?
Psychiatrist from Harvard, best-selling author and Pulitzer Prize winner, Dr. Robert Coles, believes that children are born to be kind. In his provocative book, “The Moral Intelligence of Children” (Published by Random House), Coles argues that it is possible to raise a child to be a good person; a person with a strong moral character, strong values to help him/her steer through life and, in short, someone who lives according to the Golden Rule.
That is why I dusted off Cole’s book recently. I want my children to be kind, even though there are days when I wonder if it is possible, given their young ages and their challenging developmental stages.
Here are some highlights from the book:
- It is never too early to teach a child to be kind, to develop his/her character, and to show your child how to be a good person.
- Provide constant, deliberate nourishment to your child’s moral imagination.
- Use the power of a story to help him/her remember the value of kindness.
- Use praise often, but only when your child deserves it; avoid praise for the sake of praise.
- Learn from mistakes.
- Deal with the issue of instilling the Golden Rule BEFORE trouble arrives.
- Be a good role model as a parent; children are smart and can spot a hypocrite from a mile away.
- Use everyday activities to teach kindness. For example, during a family walk in the neighborhood or during a long car trip across the prairies for the summer holidays.
In a review of Cole’s book, USA Today wrote, “The book is a must-read for parents. Dr Spock was never this erudite”. People magazine described it as, “Intelligent, accessible and compelling”. The New York Times Book Review called the book, “An excellent new guide to the Golden Rule”. William Bennett, author of The Book of Virtues, said that Coles’ book, “Explores the most important mission in life: helping our children become good human beings”.
I think that when all is said and done, teaching your child to be kind is one of the most important tasks you can do in parenthood. It is not easy (far from it) and many parents will give up hope. They fight frustration, question their own skills, become skeptical, they buy into the flawed theories that some kids are just born bad and cannot be taught kindness, and they wonder if the Golden Rule is just an imaginary ideal. There’s nothing wrong with that and there’s nothing wrong with a challenge either. If it were easy, it would not be a goal worth having!
And, at the end and the beginning of each day, I believe a parent should remember the timeless truth contained in the words of Saint Augustine, “Let us sing a new song not with our lips but with our lives”.
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