Recently, I spent some time with a group of mothers of preschoolers. Being a new mother myself, I was intimidated by the conversation. I was made to feel guilty that my own toddler had never been exposed to Baby Einstein videos or flash cards. One mom actually indirectly accused me of being frugal for wanting to play with my child instead of enrolling him in music lessons. I am not a competitive person by nature. Am I a negligent parent?
You were the victim of a competitive parent. I only recently discovered from a mom at my son's Beavers group that competitive parenting is alive and well, based on the stories she told me of being a victim herself. I verified this with other parents and even discovered a new word to describe these competitive mothers: sanctimommy.
What exactly is a sanctimommy? The term gets its root from the word sanctimonious, which means to be excessively righteous and judgemental. A sanctimommy tends to deliberately compete; thrives on instilling guilt in other parents; builds herself up while tearing other parents down; regularly judges; and smugly instills a sense of inadequacy in others. This may be done directly via comments such as, "I can't believe your son is still in diapers." Or it may even be done in a more “[cruel] fashion, under the protective veil of Internet anonymity” (a term sited in a recent article by Jodi Kantor, a writer for The New York Times).
Many times sanctimommies gather on Internet parenting sites such as www.urbanbaby.com. They generate an ‘I-feel-sorry-for-your-kids’ attitude by blaming parents for not feeding their children only organic foods; for allowing children to play instead of learning how to play a musical instrument at an early age; for working outside of the home instead of being a full-time mom; or for not working hard enough away from home, in order to have the finances to send all the children to the best universities in the country.
Although some parents are very well-meaning, striving to do whatever it may take to prepare their child for an increasingly competitive and complicated world, some very valid questions must be considered:
- What does the research say about the importance of play?
- Are there any dangers to over-stimulating a child at a young age?
- Is there a link between intense preparation for adulthood during childhood and the well documented increase in mental health needs among college students?
(A 2003 survey published in The Journal of the American Medical Association showed that in college students 61% had feelings of hopelessness, 45% felt so depressed they had trouble functioning, and 9% suffered suicidal ideation).
Play is so important to a child's development that the United Nations High Commission for Human Rights recognizes it as a right for every child (For a detailed report, see
www.unhchr.ch/html/menu3/b/k2crc.htm). However, due to an ever-increasing hurried lifestyle, many families find themselves engaged in more homework, less physical activity, and the need to work harder to afford a university education for their children. As a result, time for free play has been markedly reduced for some children.
There are a number of studies which show that free play provides benefits such as better bonding between a parent and child, along with a host of other developmental advantages in the area of cognition and emotional well-being. For more information on the importance of play in promoting healthy child development and in maintaining strong parent-child bonds, see the American Academy of Pediatrics recent position statement published online at www.aap.org or in Pediatrics, January 2007.
Some schools have reduced the time allowed for recess, succumbing to pressures from parents and society to enrich the academic opportunities. This ignores scientific studies which show that reducing play time makes it more difficult, in particular, for boys. Some experts also believe that reduced time for physical activity may be contributing to the discordant academic abilities between boys and girls.
The issue of over-stimulation in childhood has been studied in depth, yet definitive studies are unavailable at this time. Most experts remain skeptical regarding the benefits of enrichment tools, which have been promoted heavily by some parents, media, and marketing campaigns. There are few long-term studies showing how these tools produce more successful children.
In a thought-provoking book Einstein Never Used Flash Cards: How Our Children Really Learn - and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less, written by Kathy Hirsh-Pasek and Roberta M. Golinkoff (Rodale Press, 2003), the authors show that marketing has trumped science. There is little evidence that the benefits of early enrichment tools exceed the time-proven benefits of play and family togetherness.
Currently, there are no longitudinal studies which link intense preparation for adulthood during childhood with the rise in mental health needs among university students. However, high schools, colleges and universities all report that more and more students may be cheating to achieve higher grades. Some physicians see a pattern of an increase in psychosomatic illnesses among adolescent and younger patients, related to the stresses of being pushed harder and harder every year.
One of the best ways to deal with sanctimommies and other parents who pressure normal parents into a false sense of guilt is to discover your child's true potential and interests. Then, raise your child accordingly without putting too much pressure on either yourself or your child.
Here are some more ideas:
- Avoid over-scheduling and allow time for play in order to decompress as a family and to deliberately disengage without any sense of guilt.
- Enjoy each moment for what it is; do not live in the past or the future more than in the present.
- Be a role model by striking a healthy balance between play and work.
- Instead of exposing a child to only electronic toys, consider the benefits of what experts refer to as "true toys", such as blocks and dolls, with which children can fully use their imaginations.
- Limit computer time, and read books together daily and consistently.
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An informed parent is ... an empowered parent.